Thursday, October 30, 2008

Wake up, and smell the break up

I hate the connections out here. Limewire and my torrents take for freaking ever.
Though I bought some sweet posters today, and they look very good on my wall. I enjoy Andy Warhol a lot lot lot. I'm glad I bought those =)

I need to clean my room again. It's so small that it gets messy so fast. I also need to call my mommy, and learn how to play an F so I can write this song, and knit while watching Planet Terror.
So I guess I should get off the computer.

I'll always love you, baby. Always and never.

I freaking love Sin City. It is just such a good movie. Though every time I watch it, I want to be a stripper assassin, because they're fucking sweet.

I finally started knitting again. I decided to do that instead of write music, because no one was around to teach me how to play an F properly (seriously. Bitchiest chord EVER.). So I spent an hour rolling the biggest ball of yarn ever, spent another hour and a half going back and forth between cleaning and trying to remember how to cast on, another half hour casting on and off, trying to make it less tight, and then I finally fucking got it, haha. It'll be pretty though =)

I think I'm going to hit the hay though. I'm pretty tired, and I promised Cathie I'd wake up to go to the poster sale tomorrow morning. Sigh. I need to learn to wake up so I can go to class.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I don't want to lie about it, I'm not bulletproof

Last night, Donovan and I had a sleepover, haha. It was nice =)

I have Blue Rodeo stuck in my head since Cathie and I were listening to it in the car. But my computer is being a huge bitch, and won't connect to anything other than blogger. Come on, Zeebo, do something!
Also, almost two weeks later, my fucking torrent is finally almost done. 81%. Only 19 more to go.

I made gym goals last night! I'm going to tone up everything, flatten my stomach, ditch these freaking love handles, and lose 12 pounds by the end of the semester. And then keep it that way. I lost five pounds in a week, but then I gained three, and then I lost one and a half yesterday, and one again today. And my abs are killing me, because Kaitlin, Cathie and I had an epic floor workout today.
I love the gym. I really do. I'm happy I now have it to distract me.

Now I'm going to continue attempting to write music on the guitar. I called my mom today and told her all I wanted for my birthday was an acoustic-electric (like Candy Eyes), and I didn't care about anything else. She said we'll see. So hopefully this weekend, I get to go guitar shopping! That would be fab =)

Anyway, yes. Writing now.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Dear Vince:

Please stop being a huge pain in my ass so I can print this off, so I can start writing music for my songs.
Thank you.

Love to think that you couldn't love another

This has become far, far too much for me to handle on my own. And I don't know what to do about it. I still have the same list of solutions, the same list of approaches, the same list of conclusions. But none of them are working. None.
Fuck my life.

Monday, October 27, 2008

My, my, I could never let you go.

Today has not been a good day. I've had many things that were suppose to go well, go terribly wrong, and it's really disappointing. Even going to the gym wasn't as satisfying as it usually is. I increased my workout, and I didn't even break a sweat. My mom got really mad at me for dropping bio, and I tried to explain to her that it's better if I withdraw from a course than failing it, and she's still pissed. Sigh. Whatever.

But now I'm Skyping Rae, Kees, and Jenny, which is kind of nice, since I haven't talked to them in a bit. By 'talked to them', I mean haven't skyped them. Slash I haven't talked to Jenny since June. So that was pleasant.

Things better get better soon. Or I will not pleased.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

She's never gonna love you like I want to.

I fucking hate my life. My iPod just erased itself, and now I have to resync and reorganize the whole thing. All my playlists, everything is gone. FUCKK.
Seriously, falling apart. This isn't cool. Fuck my life.

I like Taylor Swift's new songs though. They're cute.

Thought you felt it too when there was me and you

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING SAY IT.
Fuck my fucking life.

Cause what I need, I just don't have

I just finished cleaning my room. Entirely. Earlier, I cleaned my floor, vacuumed, and put clothes away. Now, I just reorganized my desk and my drawers, I put up all the printed pictures I had, organized my music binder, alphabetized my movies and moved them, and reorganized my books.
This is what I do
when I'm stressed out.

I also forgot to mention something good (say what?!) that happened today: Justin called me up, and apparently he has a friend who had eight extra tickets to Carrie Underwood. So now Kaitlin and I are going! With Justin and one of his friends! Yay! =)

Love of my life, you hurt me

"One day can make your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is, is four or five big days that change everything" -Drew Barrymore
"Sometimes we love people so much, we have to be numb to it. If we actually felt how much, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It means your heart's too big." -Brittany Murphy
Tonight, Caitlin and I watched Riding in Cars with Boys, and that's what those two quotes are from. That movie is actually a lot deeper than I remembered to be, and there are so many moments where I'm like "That was a brilliant line" or "Wow, I can really relate to that right now." I just really like that movie. Though it made me think a lot more than I felt like thinking.

"I know we didn’t plan this and neither of us really thought it was gonna happen but life is like that, you know? You can’t plan for it and even if we did, life doesn’t care about your plans, necessarily, and you just kinda have to go with the flow and I just know my job is to just support you in whatever it is you wanna do. I’m in, so whatever you wanna do, I’m gonna do." -Seth Rogan (Knocked Up)
I don't like being lost. I don't like not knowing what to do. I like having a plan, and sticking to the plan. I wish life would care about my plans, because I do, and when you have a plan, everything is just easier.
This wasn't part of the plan. And yes, I'm aware that life doesn't care about my plans.
I'm so, so much stronger than this. I know I am. But I just can't seem to acknowledge it.
I guess I have to just go with the flow.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

I could do it again, I could do it with poise

PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY! My aunt sent me pictures of her today!! This is what she looks like!! (she's a treewalker coon hound. Not a dachshund. My bad.) Isn't she adorable?! My parents are going to meet her and the owner on Monday! I REALLY WANT HER. But I'm apparently not allowed to name her, but she TOTALLY looks like a Charlie. You can't even deny it. She's a Charlie. Her name now is Daisy, which I think it dumb and has to go. My mom wants to name her Stella (um, ew?) or Sophie (so plain. And my uncle's sister's dog is named Sophie). Sorry, I'm just so excited about getting this dog that I typed like I was CJ Workman writing for the Advocate.

I was going to go home tomorrow, but now I don't think I want to. With everyone being away, I think I'm better off. I have time to distract myself and actually get shit done.

Also, I bought Intimately Beckham perfume and lotion today, and it smells like heaven. If Victoria Beckham desgined heaven, that is. But seriously, I want to smell like that all the time. It's amazing.

I'm suppose to wait up for the guys, since they were wasted and then went to Essie's. I just want to see if they'll actually make it home =)

Friday, October 24, 2008

I woke up this morning thinking that all the shit that has happened was just a bad dream. I'm not even kidding. I woke up and thought "man, what a terrible dream"...and then I remembered it was all reality.
I don't know how I'm expected to write an exam under this kind of weather.
I'm falling so hard into this vicious cycle, and I can't seem to find a way out. I'm so lost and confused right now, and I don't know what to do other than run from it, which is the furthest thing from healthy.
I hate my life right now.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

All I can do is love you to pieces

I don't like being sad. I don't like having wicked headaches. I don't like hurting. I don't like bio. I don't like failing bio. I don't like thinking all these stupid thoughts.
Is having things get better so much to ask for? I can feel myself falling apart with every bit of stress that comes into my life. It doesn't even matter what it is. Anything that would cause me the slightest bit of stress makes me slowly fall apart. But it's thickening, and the speed that I'm falling at is quickening, and I'm getting sucked back into a world I ran away from years ago.
I don't know what to do anymore.

Have you ever felt this way before?

Rachel, I couldn't sleep, okay? Cut me some slack =P

I love my aunt. She just makes me feel so much better. She kind of ruined a surprise from my family, but we're apparently getting another puppy!!! I'm so excited!! But I'm suppose to pretend like I don't know, so I subtly added it onto my birthday list, because my mom doesn't know that I talked to my aunt =) So when they call me later, I'll kind of hint at it. Muhaha. I want a puppy! That would be so awesome!! She's like, 6 months old, and a dachshund, and ahh! I love puppies.

I also love Katie's company. She always knows exactly what I'm going through, and exactly what to say. I'm happy I went to visit her in the apartments today.

I went to the gym for an hour and a half today. I feel so good. Except I got a cramp, and I'm really hoping it doesn't happen again at basketball tonight. We'll see how it goes, I guess.

I'm now drinking coffee and caramel Bailey's and am going to study for a bit. I need to.

I'm so awake!!

This time I won't let you bring me down

I just realized that all my blogs were being posted, and the time said it was an hour earlier than when it actually was. I fixed it though.

I'm absolutely freezing, and feel like I'm going to throw up, and generally incredibly sick to my stomach. What does this mean?

If I never see your face again, I don't mind.

I apparently got some eyebrow burnage too.
That's impressive, frankly.

Cathie finally came home. She's sleeping in my bed now. My practice cover letter looks okay. But it's also 6:13 in the morning, so who knows what it really looks like.

I don't know what you want from me.

Not having facebook drives someone crazy at this hour. But at least it's motivating me to do other things.
I'm learning how to write a proper cover letter from WikiHow, since I'm completely useless and haven't written a real cover letter in my entire life (the one we did for health in grade nine SO doesn't count). This way, I can write my cover letter, send it to my daddy to look over it, translate it (because it's a french job. I should have a copy in each language, right?), and send it in to the woman I'm suppose to send it in to.
I tried studying for a bit too, but I couldn't do it. I'll have to try again in like, an hour, because I
really need to study. Like so bad. I can't afford to fail bio. If I keep doing as crappily as I'm doing in my classes as I am now, I'm not going to France. And frankly, that's the only thing I'm looking forward to in my life right now. So I need to get my ass in gear.

With all that being said, I'm going to go work on my cover letter now.
(Expect me to blog a lot without facebook in my life.)

HAHAHAHAHA

I burnt my bangs and some of my eyelashes off!
HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. Only I'm capable of something like that.

I like slurpees, and besties (Kathleen, where are you? I miss you.), and laughing at all the stupid shit in the world, and liquor store hunts, and calling my parents at 1:20 in the morning to tell them something not so important, but I felt like doing it anyway, and yeah. That's about it.

I love you all. Well, most of you, anyway <3

PS. I'm going Facebook free for a while. So if you need to get in touch, text or email me!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I need ya right now.

I know that she added me as a friend, but I can never bring myself to actually comment on Leah Sato's notes, and I don't know why. I love everything she puts in her notes, and I just want to comment on them! Maybe I will one day.

I made a workout playlist today while Cathie and I were at the gym, since, you know, it's our new thing. We've been every day for the last three days. I'm very proud of us, seeing as we're usually lazy as fuck.

If you haven't seen the trailer for Repo! The Genetic Opera yet, GO DO IT NOW. Seriously, you have no idea how excited I am for this movie. It looks brilliant.

And, well, all I have left to say now is oh boy...

Am I giving in or giving up?

Man, I have such a wicked case of the munchies right now. It's not cool. They're never this bad.

Today was another good day. Things are just progressively getting better. I made the right choice, I guess.

I don't know why you think that, and well, every thing else is okay. You just can't do shit like that. Sorry to burst your little bubble.

Howard Cable is a terrible, terrible composer. And he's coming to our choir concert. I plan on telling him how much his music sucks. So if you never see another piece by Howard Cable, it's because of me =)

Anyway. That's all I wanted to say. Love love.

Monday, October 20, 2008

She looks like a movie star

I love Dana. She makes me smile =)
I also love Emily, Kiersten, Katie, Cathie, and Melissa for the same reasons. They've made me exceptionally happy today.
Emily is bad at dropping subtle hints though, haha. But that's okay. I'm very glad her and Ben are together. They're adorable, in that disgusting attached at the face way.

Tonight will be a good night. Wings at The Duke (hopefully) + volleyball watching + straight up chilling.

Cleaning time! And then Sim-ing it up.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

There are three songs playing at once.

I'm happy. I just wanted to say that.
The last 24 hours have been very nice. I love you guys.

My room smells like pot cause the guys across the hall were making weed tea, and it was so strong that the scent got all the way over here.

Church was really good, actually. I'm really glad Byron came.

And...I'm really excited to learn about baseball...=)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Friday, October 17, 2008

My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

Cathie and I are going to record a cover of Bleeding Love. You know, once we pull our act together and can figure out harmonies.
I'm very awake right now. I'm in the process of writing music (yes, actual music!) for my latest song on guitar (yes, on guitar!). It's going alright, I guess. I'm learning things.
Once I figure shit out, I'll probably just make a myspace account so you all can hear it. It'll be lovely.

Oh, and spanish midterm? As easy as a cheap hooker. I raped that test.
(I probably shouldn't have use "cheap hooker" and "raped" to describe the same thing. Oh well.)

I like Fridays. But I wish I didn't have to go to bio. =(

Today feels like a good day. I hope I don't jinx it by saying that.

You once whispered words to me.

I wrote a song instead. It's in my writing blog. Go check it out!

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.

I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. I think the coffee finally kicked in. The point is, I've tried going to sleep, I've tried studying for spanish, I've tried cleaning (barely), and I just can't sleep. It's irritating.
My mind is all over the place, over thinking, and being irrational and unrealistic.
I just want it to shut up.
I guess I'll watch some Sex and the City.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

We could spend some time together

Does anyone else hate the symphonic band as much as I do right now?

Movies that are, and will be, out in the next month that I want to see.

You know, just in case anyone wants to join me.

JULY/AUGUST 2008
The Dark Knight
Sex and the City

Kung Fu Panda
Wall-E
Hancock
Iron Man
Get Smart

*Wanted
Mamma Mia!
*The Rocker
*Step Brothers
Pineapple Express

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
*American Teen
Tropic Thunder

SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2008
Hamlet 2
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Burn After Reading
Passchendaele
Twilight
*RockNRolla
Flash of Genius
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
*Choke
*Eagle Eye
*Ghost Town
He's Just Not That Into You
*My Best Friend's Girl
*Vicky Cristina Barcelona
The Women
Max Payne
*Sex Drive
The Secret Life of Bees
*W
*Zack and Miri Make a Porno
*Pride and Glory
Repo! The Genetic Opera

Everything that has an asterix (*) is something that I'll potentially see in theatres.

But I'm telling you, I'm lonely too

So I created a new blog. It's a writing blog. For those of you who know how to venture into the profile part of my page, and care to take a look, it's there.
I've created 13 posts already, some of which date back to 2005, so make the effort to check them all out, if you're bothering to take a look to begin with.
They're there for a reason.
Any questions, ask. It's as easy as that.
FAQ:
Q: How do I get to the profile part of your page?
A: Scroll to the end of that green box on the side there, and click 'View My Complete Profile'

Q: Where will I find your new blog?
A: Scroll down my complete profile, look under 'My Blogs', and click on 'imagination is better than knowledge.', and voila. You're there.

Q: I'm apparently not allowed to read it. What do I do about that?
A: Ask. It's an invite-only kind of dealie. So please, ask, and I'll include you right away.

See? I've made this process dummy-proof. Though, you know, I could've just given you the link. But I didn't feel like it. This is more fun =)

I'm only here to help you learn to love me

Are any of you really good at writing cover letters?
I need some help. I'm terrible at these things.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Love is a symphany, come sing some with me

I'm pretty sure I need to spend a lot more time to me.
I'm at the point where I can only handle you in small doses before I start to feel sorry for myself, and over think things, and that really isn't cool.
I'm sorry I'm acting so bipolar, but I have to. It's the only thing keeping me stable, as ironic as that sounds.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

La prochain fois, je penserai à moi

I was absolutely exhausted all day that I was falling asleep and basically falling out of my chair in every class.
Now I have so much energy. This isn't good.
Anyway, I think it's a good thing, because I have a lot of energy while being in a good mood. I just need to be in a cleaning mood.

Wine and Cheese party tomorrow! =)

I've been waiting for a sign to tell me where I belong

"i figure you will either keep talking to him, or not, but always feel the same so yeah"
He hit the nail right on the head with that one.
I think I knew that. I just needed to hear it.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I am slowly going crazy, one, two, three, four, five, six, switch.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Because I want you more, I know

Well, they finally noticed. In the middle of Future Shop. And yelled at me about it. In the middle of Future Shop.
Yay for being irresponsible, and never getting a job because of it!
/eye roll.

I'm seeing Natalie tonight!! I'm so excited. I miss her so much.

All in all, today hasn't been a good day. Not gonna lie. Hopefully it'll get better? I don't know.
My family is so oblivious. I've had my labret pierced for about 13 hours, and they haven't noticed.
It's right in the middle of my face.
I wonder how long this will take.
Bets?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I'm not good at things I don't want to do

I'm home alone on a Saturday night on a long weekend.
Could my life be anymore pathetic?

Friday, October 10, 2008

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

I'm not in a good mood. And I just need someone to talk to. Or to talk to me. I don't care.
If you've read this, call me. I don't care who you are. Just, please.
I want to go home.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Night breaks my heart could not ache anymore

64 pages have been read.
I'm going to take my exam in less than two hours.
I hate bio. With every fiber of my being.

I shouldn't have done that. It was a poor choice, and now I'm just going to be upset.
Blah.

Today should be better than this.

And now I wish that you were here.

I have 118 pages of bio to read before I can take my test tomorrow.
2 down, 116 to go.
Guess who is going to take a long fucking nap tomorrow afternoon.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Wait for me, will you wait for me?

It's been decided. I'm going to apply for a position to work at the Centre Juno Beach in Normandy, France for the summer. I wanted to go to Europe anyway, and I doubt I can afford it on my own...so why not just work there? I'd be gone from April 26 to August 31, 2009.
Wish me luck with this. It'd be an experience of a lifetime, and even though I'm not a big Canadian history buff, I'm willing to pretend to enjoy it for the purposes of doing this. Maybe I'll end up actually enjoying it, haha.

Also, Anberlin's new album is good. I'm quite enjoying it.
You promised.

Baby, baby, baby, baby, tell me how

This is going to be really hard. But it has to be done.
I miss you so much, and it's a huge problem.
So therefore, this has to happen. I hate it, and it sucks, but I have to.
Fuck my life.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

In the end, it's me you're gonna miss

It's time for a list, I think, of things I'm currently not a fan of:
i. You, and the way you've been treating me.
ii. The way I have to go about treating you.
iii. Failing a certain course that I need to pass.
iv. Thinking.
v. Excessive amounts of exams and reading.
vi. BFF's being far away
vii. That the week has barely even started, and it already sucks.
viii. Not being home.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a-messin'

In light of current events, I think I might actually have to listen to everyone.
It's better for me, for you, and for both our well being.
It'll suck, and it's going to be really hard. But I have to do it.
(What an appropriate song too)

On a lighter note, I freaking love Cathie.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The only problem I have right now is the fact that I don't know what's safe to say to you, and what isn't. And it's not that I don't want to tell you things, or ask you things. I just don't know what's...acceptable.